Imagine you’re in the middle of a big test. And it’s the kind of thing that you’re not good at. But in between trying to remember the lesson you slept through, and figuring out what grade you’ll get by guessing on half the questions, you have to use the bathroom. If you’re in the 4000 or 5000, go for it. It’ll take a second, but you’ll find a stall that closes and has an empty toilet. You’ll be okay, I promise. 

   If you’re on the side of the 400 that does not have a bathroom… just hold it. 

In the library or 800: lucky you! You get your own bathroom! Similarly, 600 and 700 are fine, just finesse the soap dispenser in the girl’s bathroom in the 700. If you’re in the 600, you can choose between the cafeteria bathroom or the one in the actual 600 hall.

   The 100 or 300, though….. Godspeed. Just hold your breath and be brave. 200 hall, just make a wise decision between 100 and 300. Pro tip: if you’re in a stall and you’re choosing between hover, cover or sit, don’t choose sit. Ever.

   Now, no one says high school bathrooms are great. Quite the opposite– I think high school bathrooms are often the least respected places in a 10-mile radius. Along with your classic Public Bathroom Smell™, there’s a lingering smell of a certain smokeable substance and (in the girls bathroom) Bath & Body Works perfume. Now, I’m all for smelling good, but it gets to a point. 

   On the topic of smells, I think it’s time to talk about the gym bathroom. You know, the one with no vents or dignity. Please, if you’re trying to do something in there that rhymes with bot hox, I beg you to stop.

   But just because the doorless bathrooms allow the totally awesome smell of poo to drift around, that doesn’t mean our bathrooms are terrible. I mean, you’re probably not thinking about all those things mid-tinkle. If you find an open stall, that is.

   Let me be explicitly clear– this is not the custodians’ fault. In fact, cleaning dook off the walls was definitely not in the job description. Every student knows it’s our own fault. This is not a smear piece, (pun apologetically intended) it’s a reminder that if we were a bit nicer to our potties in the beginning, we could have been able to go to the bathroom in peace. 

   Our destruction is shown by our history: the “devious lick” trend, sinks being ripped out, and stalls warping so much they can’t close after years of abuse. We get caution-taped out of our own bathrooms without an explanation and have to walk all over campus looking for somewhere to use the toilet.

   Our bathrooms are bathrooms. Public bathrooms. Toilets for wee wee, sinks, a mirror and little trash cans for sanitary period whatevers. The only possibly interesting things in there are the phones in your hand or your friends standing next to you. News flash: you can interact with both things without being in a bathroom! Go in, do your business, wash your hands (please), take a peek in the mirror and get out. We need a combined effort from the student body to keep our crappers clean. 

   And, from the staff of The Eagle and the entire East population, thank you to the custodians for dealing with our ____.